What a crazy year this has been.

My divorce with Amber was finalized. The trouble was not with any lack of amiableness between Amber and me but the fact that I had to stand before the divorce judges of Pierce county Washington 8 times before the divorce was finalized. The only thing left between us at that point was the 2002 Mazda Tribute we bought before our move to Missouri. Fortunately for me Amber still had it and because of our verbal agreement she was to refinance it into her name. I’m still not sure how I feel about the fact that we had to get a divorce in the first place. Our marriage breakdown happened like all relationships do, loss of communication and understanding. Amber is more of feeling based person and I’m a logic based person. Depending on what side of the spectrum you’re on it can be difficult to see the others perspective. Regardless, Amber and I shared a love for a while that was wonderful. That love however, along with other love I have experienced, wasn’t the butterflies in the pit of your stomach love that few people, from my point of view, experience. I have only had that once. That love was the lost love that others experienced. At this point in my life I wonder if it’s possible for me to ever experience that kind of love again. At the time it might have been a youth in revolt type of love that, as we grow older, never experience again.

While the bits and pieces of the Mazda was being taken care of, Frizbe (my wonderful boarder collie mix) was diagnosed with cancer in his right leg. The end result was that his leg needed to be amputated. It was enough that by the time everything was said and done I was in debt for three grand, but after the amputation the vet wanted to nickel and dime me out of another five to six hundred dollars to find out what kind of sarcoma cancer he had. Never mind the fact that I paid them to biopsy it only to have them say yup, that’s a sarcoma alright. During the whole process I only saw the vet doctor once and never meet the surgeon that took Frizbe’s leg. Then, because it was only fitting, my truck broke down while I was on my way to pick him up from surgery. Fortunately my best friend Heather was able to help me get him. After he was dropped of I had to return to work. And after work I had to spend that time, three and a half hours, working on it while Frizbe was at home with a newly missing leg. It broke my heart that I was not able to be there for him. Because I wasn’t willing to pay more to find out more about the sarcoma, like if it had spread, and exactly what kind of sarcoma it was, I will never know if he has six months or another six years left. He is doing MUCH better now, but he could suddenly take a turn for the worse and have to be put down. He has been my constant companion for 10 years now.

Frizbe did recover quickly and about a month later the Mazda deal was done. At that time I finally decided to send Amber a letter:
To ease your mind about Frizbe, he is recovering quite well and has even has asked, in Frizbe’s special way, if we could go to the park. I agreed, but in a limited amount so he wouldn’t over exert and injure himself further. He will recover and return to the Frizbe he once was, even if he is a tripod.

Based on the past year it’s clear that neither of us want to keep up with each others lives. You have moved on with your life and I have moved on with mine. The things I have learned knowing you have been invaluable to myself and to others that have sought my advice. For that I will always be grateful. It’s possible that we could continue our limited text messages and infrequent phone calls. But, and with optimism that you’ll agree, to lessen the complications the future may hold it would be easier for you to get another email address so as to make this the end of our association.

It’s is not my intention to create animosity with this email. In fact quite the opposite, I hope to curtail any possible malice. It is also my hope that you agree with all I have said and feel the same as I.

I could have been a lot meaner to Amber after the emotional hell she put me through and the loss of our house, but that doesn’t mean I needed to be nasty. I’m sure she has her valid side of the story, but one thing is for sure I don’t want anything more to do with her. That chapter in my life is over. For the past year or so we didn’t share our lives with each other. Most of our conversations revolved around computer questions she had in relation to her new job.

There is also that little things that have added up. For instance I managed to irrecoverably break Heather’s laptop and had to buy her a new one. I felt so bad. Granted she needed a new one anyway but I put an additional monetary strain on her (we worked out a mutually agreeable deal). And now the new laptop, because it’s running Windows Vista, is causing her trouble. I feel even worse.

Also, my I think my mom is mad at me because I won’t come and see her. The financial strain, already mentioned, and the self added obligation of helping Heather prevented me from doing so. It might have helped if I explained that the promotion I received at work hadn’t gone through yet. The promotion at work should have been a positive thing, but it has put more of a stress on me. Imagine a man without water for two days in the desert being given a glass of water and before he can put his mouth to the glass it’s taken away. I end up getting the promotion, but I have to get a CompTIA A+ certification with in six months to keep it. Meanwhile I haven’t seen the money the promotion brings with it.

All of this might not seem like much, but all of it has been an emotional strain. Especially when you’re watching your best friend slip away from the person she was to this new person that you can’t understand the way you used to. I can’t pretend that my own personality hasn’t changed, but our new changes in personally have conflicted to the point that she decided we need a break. The assumption monster in me says that a break is just a nice way of saying get lost. This makes me wonder if BFF doesn’t stand for Best Friends Forever but instead Best Friends For now.

So nine months into this year and the things that have happed will change me forever. I was always more of a loner before, but now I can’t trust the sanctity of marriage or the best friend I have ever had. The people at work, and random people in the public, will get to see the outgoing face I put on for them so they will stay away from the person I am inside. The person I am is a disheveled mess that no body wants to be around. Right now that’s fine I don’t want to be around them either if the lines of understanding a communication isn’t going to flow at all or flow only in one direction.

Despite all that this year had brought I have only one direction to travel and that’s forward. My cynicism may get even worse. But maybe, just maybe, I will be able to see and write about the humor that is all around us.